The Sassy Affair beetween the Munchkin and the Bitchass
by Naomii386
Summary: "I come home from college after years, find my bro's best buddy there completely nude and then just what? Look at John Thomas while chatting about badly constructed laggings. It was nothing I imagined. Though to acknowledge the evidence of facts I have to say that Naked Finn wasn't unwatchable at all more like a fairly lovely sight."
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! So this is my first story for a long time and I'm pretty unsure. Does it suck? Or is it okay? I would be really-really indebted if you'd reviewed once you've read it! Doesn't matter if it's just a 'hey, it's ok' or something. I just need feedback so bad :D I should probably tel you two things: **

**First: I'm not a native speaker so if I'm wrong about something, grammar or vocabulary, just let me now!**

**Second: I know nothing about cars. I mean I've read a lot about them but I'm not an expert so once again if there's something utterly shitty and stupid and oh-my-god-how-could-you-possibly-think-that in there, please, pretty please, tell me!**

**I probably should mention that the stuff I wrote about the Dodge and the Boss 302 were found by Google, I used different sites so I don't own it. Also, I changed the needed years for BSc at Parsons because I totally forgot about the 4-years and instead used a 3-years time so... Yeah. In reality it takes four years but I changed it because it's an AU-universe, and I'm the Darth Vader of this shit :) (Btw I found it way too long time - I mean, 4+3 years? Seriously? I've been studying architecture for 4 years in high school along with compulsory subjects and I could plan a house for sure.)**

**And I guess that's it for now. I've seen the movie lately and I've been obsessed with Rami Malek for a looong time and somehow I had the insurmountable urge to write it. (Maybe I shouldn't have had. Really. At all. I suck. It sucks. Everybody sucks. At least that's what my inner voices say.)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story. I own nothing except for Samantha and later on some another OC like Ricky.**

**R&R, and I'll be the happiest girl on earth!**

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><p>If you have never mentally claimed food and gotten really angry when someone has already took it, you are lying.<p>

When I opened the fridge's door and looked around thoroughly I had to realize that someone ate my precious triple-chocolate cake. True it wasn't really mine, I mean I just entered the apartment after being away for four years but that's not the point! I depended on that yumminess! The moment Joey told me about the scarf-facilities and mentioned the famous McPhee's Dreamy Delicacy it brought water to my mouth. Even Joey noticed though we were on phone and told me not to gobble up all of it.

But what I really wanted to say is that I was desperate to finally eat it (homey flavors after all this time), rushed home, even forgot the dog in the cab, only to get nothing, abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

I was hones to God ready to murder someone.

And that was the moment when I heard a door closing and barefooted steps coming closer. A stunned gasp signed that the other person discovered me leaning into the fridge.

"Who the-? What the-?" asked the voice coming from behind me. I already knew who it was but backed a little when I turned around and faced him. Surely enough it was Finn, the "BFF" of my brother Joey but he looked slightly different from what I remembered mainly because he was naked like a hippy ready to bath in a river in the deep of the forest.

"Exactly what I'd say" I blinked rapidly. Was I dumb folded? A bit. Did I look away? Hell no! Shamelessly glutting my eyes on him I leant on the kitchen counter.

He wasn't disturbed by me either in fact he acted as if he'd have been if he had clothes on. "Sammy-kins?"

"Told you not to call me that" I warned him half-heartedly.

"You're, I dunno, different" Finn said sizing me up and down.

"And you're, ya know, naked."

He looked down at himself, made a face of surprise as if he just discovered his nudity but did nothing to cover his lower parts.

"Yeah, sets me free" he nodded and put his hands on his hips proudly. "You should try it sometime."

I had no acceptable answer for that so just smiled and shook my head, closed the fridge's door and pointed at Little Finn. "Pretty cold in here, huh?"

He looked down yet again and started to eye himself absently. "The lagging sucks" he shrugged finally. I nodded in agreement (I was studying architectural design at Parsons for three years now so kinda had to) then we went completely silent.

I couldn't really name the feeling what had overtaken me. I mean I come home from college after years, find my bro's best buddy there completely nude and then just what? Look at John Thomas while chatting about badly constructed laggings. It was nothing I imagined. Though to acknowledge the evidence of facts I have to say that Naked Finn wasn't unwatchable at all more like a fairly lovely sight.

He was about to say something when the front door opened and Joey entered in his sweat suit with one of my truck's handles in one hand and Boo's leash in the other. Boo was my completely nonviable and insane German short haired pointer; Joey got him for me as a graduation present and now he was nearly tearing his hand off frisking his tail like a nutter who ripped off his chains.

"Yo, sis, your dog was droppin' of a- what the fuck, man?!" yelled Joey the second part when he saw Finn standing there loftily. He tossed a jacket from the loop towards Finn who caught it at his stomach. "Cover your junk, you bitch-ass!

"Good to see you, brother!" I said waving to him but he paid no mind and made his way towards his friend.

"The Hell are you thinkin', dickhead?!" he growled seemingly enraged but still strangely put-together. "Are you completely insane?! Walking around like this in front of my sister…"

"I was here first!" Fin retorted somewhat huffily.

"Why were you stark-naked in the first place?"

"He said it sets him free" I answered digging through the contents of my handbag. I found the pack of gummy bears I was looking for and let out a victorious "yay".

"I don't give a fuck. Put your clothes on and get your ass out there, a suitcase or two are waiting for you downstairs" demanded Joey in a "no tackle here" tone. Finn seemed slightly confused.

"Who's moving in?"

"Me" I told him raising my hand. My answer made him even more confused. I couldn't really blame him – to understand that I should probably tell you my short life-story. Joey and I had the same mother but different father – Mom got pregnant with him when she was sixteen and though Joey's father married her (partly because Grandpa was threatening him with a gun) they eventually divorced after three years. She met my father after and eventually I was born ten years after Joey. I'm sure Dad was a very nice guy and was very much in love with her judging by the fact that when Mum died in cancer when I was five he became a strict alcoholic. At least I think that the reason for it was him can't getting over the loss of his true love and it was the only way he could endure – cowardly and pathetic if you ask me.

Yada, yada, yada, it's not that I bitch about it or somethin', I mean it has always been like this, only my father and brother and me. I grew up without a mother (and with a strict toper father) but obviously knew it wasn't normal and sure as fuck not fair, it's just… Whatever. I mean it could have been worst like if he had beaten me or something.

I finished high school in Mount Kiscko where I've always lived since I was born and where my father worked as a mechanic. Dad (in his rare clear moments) had a really big influence on Joey and though he tried to pass his obsession over cars to both of us, he only succeeded with Joey who later became a mechanic as well. Though he was kinda cooler with all the tuning and modifying stuff he did rather then everyday car repairing.

As for me I found interest in architecture and went to Parsons and just finished the first three years aka I had my bachelor degree and now I was about to start the graduate program but first I needed money. Rent and all the daily costs wasn't easy on me or Joey who paid well over half of my fees so I decided I should go for a flexible university education for the remaining three years, move back to Joey and beside studying, I should work as well – fortunately I got a job as a waitress at the drive-in.

I hoped Joes would tell Finn about me moving in with them but clearly enough he didn't.

"Oh" was all Finn said, his expression a mixture of sudden realization and amicability. He made a move toward me his arms spread and lifted up; the jacker which was hiding his manly parts fell to the wooden floor with a bump. "Care to gimme' a hug, roomie?"

"Go get dressed, bitch!" commanded Joey and bonked him on the head with a who-knows-how-long-has-it-been-there pizza box.

After Finn went back to his room Joey turned to me and gave me a surprisingly gentle bear-hug.

"Ho you doin', munchkin?" he asked tossing the toothpick in his mouth from one side to another.

"Just fine, dear brother of mine" I sighed gladly. "I mean the taxi driver's smell was halfway from rotten French cheese and a fish market but such is life."

He said nothing but nodded, let go of me and picked up my bag. Fortunately Joey and Finn lived in an apartment with two and a half room so this way I didn't have to live with dad (whom I grew to not-hate from distance and didn't want to ruin it by actually getting' to know him or simply talking with him) and I was more than overjoyed. Not because apparently a hot naked guy came with the flat (it adds a nice touch, though) but this way I'd never have to care about cleaning or cooking. Ever. Joey never let me do things like that because whatever I tried to do he would come up right behind me, look over my shoulders, tell me that I suck and how pathetic I am then take whatever it was in my hand and do it himself. He says he cant stand the sight of me dilly-dallying but I know that he simply enjoys it.

"And how's the garage doing?" I asked curiously.

"Bitchin'.'

"You're so highbrowed and sophisticated you should totally go to Who want to be a Millionaire!"

He sent me a shut-up glare so I turned away and continued to laugh while he opened the windows. I did not dare to let noise come out of my mouth so when Finn appeared in the doorway with my trunk (and unfortunately clothes on) I was still laughing there, clapping like a fucktard seal.

"Where's the puppy?"

"He's either after a gummy duck or saw a cat and is hiding in the bathroom" I answered resignedly. Boo was as timid as a hare; once I was walking with him on the ocean shore and the wind moved a plastic bag: Boo nearly shit himself in pure fear then jumped behind me as "eat her first!" Not exactly protective, caring or matter of fact comforting, either.

"So what's your plan now?" asked Joey. I shrugged.

"I only start at work tomorrow so nothing yet I guess." The bare thought of the long, timing process of unpacking send shivers of displeasure down my spine. I was the kind of mover who did not unpack her things instead picked out whatever she needed and eventually everything got out of it.

"We gotta' go to the garage in fifteen minutes. Are you okay staying here alone?"

"Or you could come with us" suggested Finn with a huge grin on his face. "We have this really cool Chevy waiting for the owner to pick it up after a little patching and tuning. You wanna check it out?"

My face lit up immediately. "Sure! I haven't seen the guys in ages. Literally."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay with Petey around?" Joey had that usual skeptic look of his on his face but I knew he was kind of worried, you know, in a big brotherly sort of way.

"No ifs ands or buts" I replied with a comforting smile. He still seemed somewhat doubtful but let it go and went to search for his keys. I looked after him shaking my head in frustration. Pete and I were the same age so we went to the same class from like the first grade and we even dated for a year before breaking up because we realized that it was only a very strong friendship with a huge amount of stupid teen-hormones and stuff.

It happened soon before I went to New York so Joey was still kind of unsure whether or not I was able to handle the situation. He didn't like the idea of me dating with one of his friends though I knew Pete way before he became Tobey's protégé. I never understood that stupid mania of his I mean, the best part of having an older brother should be the fact that he brings home possibly free-prey hot friends, right? Not letting me date them is not cool, bro, sooo not cool…

A poke on the tip of my nose was the thing that brought me back to reality.

"I felt a really huge temptation to do this" grinned Finn. For a moment I stood there stunned then laughed. When I met him for the second-first time (I knew him since I was born because of Joey but I only started to be friends with him and the other when I was around fourteen, that's what I call the second-first time) he did something quit similar. While I was talking with Tobey about something in the garage, Finn just stared at me for long minutes and then suddenly walked in front of me and slapped me. Not hard or firmly, more like when you try to brush off a crumb. He said that he felt like he has to do that, blinking with those big dark blue eyes of his.

I wonder if he ever was normal.

We got into their car or as they call it the Beast and drove through Mount Kisco to Marshall Motors. Shouting came from the garage along with words like "go, go, GO!" and "Crap!"

"The salary-earning, grown up men!" I called out loudly as I walked into the workshop. Tobey and Benny were playing with a car drifting game while Pete watched them and cheered. They turned around and looked at me surprised – Benny used the opportunity to drive his car into Tobey's which ran into the concrete wall and exploded.

"Hey, you bastard!" said Tobey and flicked him on the shoulder. "That was cheating."

"I'm an opportunistic creature" said Benny with the loftiness so typical of him when he was trying to talk himself out of something. "You call it cheating; I call it 'usage of provided facilities'."

"The above mentioned facility says hi to everyone" I waved with a smile. Pete was the first to get up and hug me. I kinda expected it to be a little bit awkward but surprisingly enough, it remained neutral.

"Hey" he said, smiling coyly.

"Hey! You've got taller, haven't you?" I asked, looking at him from tip to toe. None of us were tall, I was barely 5' 1.2" so for me Pete seemed rather tall with his 5' 8" though it was average. But he was still growing, unlike the others who were between 5' 7" and 5' 9".

"Yeah, I guess" he answered kind of like the way you do when your grandparents ask those typically granny-questions like 'you're so thin, you're so young, you're so thin and young, do you even eat enough? Is everything okay in school?' And stuff like that.

"How's it hangin', big girl?" asked Benny when he hugged me as well.

"Fortunately, nothings hanging."

"I can see that, you look… wow!" he nodded and didn't even try to hide how he looked at my boobs.

"Mind your eyes, asshole" warned him Joey as he walked besides us and toward the mini-fridge in the corner.

"I was simply examining her radiating… Pureness and womanhood."

"If I see you around anything in relation with her womanhood, I will not only kick your big black ass but beat you with a spanner, kidnap you, tie you up to a tree in the middle of the woods and leave you there for the cougars and bears."

I sighed and followed Finn who sat down on one of the rung of the ladder standing next to a tall jack stand and let my legs swing in the air. Benny

Benny rolled his eyes. "O-kay."

"I'm serious" said Joey with a frown.

"Yeah, geddit', dude" shirked Benny with upraised hands ", totally geddit'!"

"Same goes for all of you" Joey called out a little bit louder this time, the commodious and nearly empty garage intensifying his voice. "If you touch her, I'll tear off your hand or whatever you were touching her with."

"Watch out, he's keepin' his eyes on ye!" mocked him Finn with a smile and with his fore and middle finger pointed at his eyes, then at Benny, Tobey and Pete.

"Bar none" confirmed Joey once more and wag his finger at Finn. "Especially you."

Finn looked around, confused. "Me? What? Why? What the hell did I do?"

"You were parading in front of her naked like a fuckin' pervert. You shouldn't be allowed to even look at her, let alone speaking, bitch."

For a moment Finn stayed quiet, guess he was processing the information, and then raised his hand like in school during a class.

"Aaa-what now, bitch?" Joey called on him.

"How am I supposed to order a pizza?" Finn asked with a poker face, his voice so serious I actually had to focus on not letting him fool me. Joey seemed just as confused as I was.

"Your problem being what exactly?"

Finn sighed. "If I'm about to order a pizza but not allowed to talk to her, then how am I supposed to know if she want to eat or not? I can't always ask you to ask her 'cause what if you're on the toilet? The first thing you stated when we moved in was, citation, 'Finn, if you talk to me when I'm in the bathroom, I will head-butt you like a beginner mantis does with a bluebell', citation end. So if I don't ask her or you, I can't just don't order for her, since that would be extremely rude and I was not brought up that way" he explained.

Joey looked at him blinking in disbelief, and then slowly shook his head, eyes narrowed. "Had stupidity hurt, you'd be screaming."

While Joey and Finn started to argue with Benny and Pete betting who's going to win, I jumped off the ladder and joined Tobey who whas standing next to a covered car. He seemed lost in his mind and winced when I touched his shoulder.

"What's the 404, Beauty?"

"404…?"

"The problem, dude, the problem!" Maybe quoting Mean Girls to a man wasn't half as effective as I wanted it to be…

He flashed a smile. "What would make you think there's a problem?"

"Dunno" I shrugged. "Maybe the fact that you look more lost than a chameleon on a piñata."

"The makings of a poet runs in the family?" he asked laughing.

I made a mouth and sighed with fake bitterness. "Real talents remain undiscovered… But don't let us wander from the point! Seriously, what's wrong, Tobey? Is it your father? Is he okay?"

"Well, no, he's okay I mean… He's in the hospital again but it has kinda become a day-to-day thing" he said. It was obvious that he didn't want to talk about Marc, his father, and I accepted it. The older Marshall was suffering from multiple sclerosis, a still partly unknown, cureless inflammatory disease, when basically part of the nerve cells in brain gets damaged.

The whole thing started around ten years ago with numbness and ataxia, depression, weakness, then slowly it all got worst and when I met him roughly two years ago, he wasn't even talking and stood in need of a wheelchair. Seeing him, who was always gladsome, vital and chatty in days of old, becoming a grumpy, speechless old man with a soul half dead was hard for all of us, but Tobey? It was killing him, his mood, his cheer and a part of his soul as well.

"I'm really, really sorry to hear that. "It was all I could say. I've always been bad at comforting but didn't say a thing without meaning it. Long live the honesty!

"It's fine" he said with a sad yet reassuring smile. "I'm fine."

"Indisputable" I nodded and playfully hit him on the shoulder which made him smile now with more joy than sorrow. "You're tough at nails. Or fiberglass. "

"Yeah, well" he turned around to look at the other who were now jokingly brawling around the couch ", I guess it's true for all of us."

Yet another fact I had to let go unchallenged. I wouldn't say that any of us, our backgrounds were easy – aside from the difficulty of Joey's and my parent-relationship, Tobey's mother died as well (she was hit by a drunken motherfucker), Finn's mother was cut off with a shilling because of marrying a catholic American despite being an old-styled, Coptic Christian Egyptian, and her entire family despised her publicly and was often pillared (her family lived in an middle-eastern section of the town). Benny, though he might look big-mouthed and careless and immature, has been working since he was fourteen because of his father who simply walked out the door one day and never came back, leaving Benny's overly sweet but shapely weak mother and his then four-years old little sister alone. He even joined the army before Tobey offered him a job at the garage.

Have you ever thought about the fact that it's usually the men who are fucked up? I did, that's why I decided once that I'll be a lesbian, screw guys, long live feminism, but soon realized it doesn't work this way.

I was about to say something to Tobey when Finn appeared and put a hand each on my and Tobey's shoulder.

"C'mon, Sammy-kins, don't be such a sour-Sam!"

"Right, you're back after four long years, big girl, we're supposed to be celebrating, not sinking into the bog of dolor" agreed Tobey. I smiled wildly and patted him on the back amused.

"Look who's talking about 'the makings of a poet'!"

He simply shook his head.

"Hey! I was thinkin' maybe we could throw a party or something'!" suggested Finn. He didn't surprise me at all. He's always been the type of guy who loved social gatherings, meeting new people and stuff, the complete opposite of my brother who preferred small group of well-known people over a party full of strangers. Joey didn't disappoint me either when he made a disapproving, snorting noise.

"I don't feel like dealing with a bunch of drunken assholes."

"You never feel like dealing with a bunch of drunken assholes" I corrected him with a huge, smug grin on my lips. "Or drunken people. Or people in general."

He gave me a grumpy look. "I can still throw you out to the street, ya' know."

"Come on, you love me more than that!" I cheered lively, though for a moment I believed his threat.

"What about a movie night, then?" offered Finn, his mood still not broken.

"I'm in" I said, raising my hand.

"Me too." Benny did the same thing and Pete nodded in agreement as well.

"Settled then" clasped his hands Finn with a bright smile. "Tobey, you're coming, right?"

"Definitely" he answered and patted my shoulder. "I'll have to get some business-shit done before but I'll catch up to you later."

"Okay, Mr. All Grown Up Businessman, but if there'll be no booze when you finally get your ass there, you'll have no one to blame but yourself" warned him Finn jokingly. Somehow I couldn't find signs of deep woe on Tobey's face. "Who's going to do the shopping?"

"I'll do it" I volunteered not overall magnanimously. I still had to buy some stuff.

Benny, Finn and Pete scoffed at me at the same time. "Are you even allowed to buy alcohol yet?" asked Benny mockingly.

"Can I? Yes. Is it legal? Nope" I answered uninterested.

"I'll go with you" offered Finn. "I am old enough and after all it was my idea so I should do the shopping, but at least all the carrying."

"Well, I can't just say no to an offer gentlemanly as this, now, can I?"

He proudly straightened his back. "Told ya, I'm mannerly as fuck."

"Am I the only damned one here who gets his payment for actually doing my freakin' job? It was rhetorical, munchkin" said Joey, then looked at me warningly when he saw I was going to answer his question so I remained silent.

"Back to work I guess" sighed Pete and went off with Benny somewhere.

Finn looked at Joey and pointed to the car under the white sheet. "I'll help you in a minute, Joe, just show the baby to Sam before!"

He led me to the vehicle and ceremoniously lifted up the car's cover. Under was indeed a Dodge, more specifically a black 2011 Dodge Challanger SRT8 392. The painting, I assumed, was Benny's work: green three-dimensional flames from the bumpers through the fender to the lower edge of the front doors on both sides and also the hood. On the middle of the flames of the bonnet was an SM-monogram.

"Oh, yeah!"

"My thoughts exactly" laughed Finn after tossing the covers to the ground. I placed my hand on the side of the car and ran it to the silver ram logo, symbolizing Dodge. Sure I wasn't planning my life to be bond to cars but I learned this and that and could tell what was a masterpiece and what wasn't. This car was one hell of it.

"How did it even…?"

"End up here?" Finn asked for my affirmation which I gave him in a form of a nod, my eyes never leaving the Dodge in front of me. "Turns out there are fat cats in Mount Kisco other than Dino fucking Brewster."

"It costs like what? Forty five thousand dollars?"

"In it's basic form? Yeah. With all the tuning, modifying and fitting? It became completely original so I guess the price rises to sixty thousand or more."

I had to whistle in sheer amazement. That was a truly huge amount of money standing in front of me – and I was touching it!

"So what have you changed exactly?" I asked inquisitively. Finn opened the front door and pushed the button which opened the bonnet with a quiet click. I drawn in the sight of shiny metal mountings.

"Well, Joey and I meddled in nearly everything. Fixed the transmission, corrected the multi link rear suspension, upgraded the stabilizer bar both the front and the rear, and trucked the whole body… We successfully reduced the basic 4.5 zero to sixty mph time to 4.2 second!"

"How?"

He flashed a wicked smile and put his forefinger to his lips. "That's a professional secret."

"Ahw, don't be like that, Finn!" I said rolling my eyes at him. "Don't be such a sour-Finn. "

"Quoting me?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. "Nice. But I still can't tell you, sorry, so we better give it a wide berth."

I sighed resignedly which admitted my defeat, then spoke in a distorted voice. "'Go about your business, Sam!' Whatevs."

"It's not my dream car, though" he continued and closed the bonnet. "Despite the big V8 cylinder, it's kinda…"

"Poky?"

"Yep." He motioned to the mini-fridge peacefully buzzing in the corner, signaling that the show was over. He took out two cans of coke and reached one to me, then took a few sip before speaking again. "Even with the facilitation, there's just too much weight to carry around and it hurts the performance. The basic model would either need a major diet or more horsepower but for the money you pay for it, you could buy something that will perform better like a Boss 302. There's nothing like that lady."

"Tut-tut!" I raised my forefinger by way of warning. "The Beast will be jealous."

"She knows she's my one true love, Sammy-kins" Finn said with a fake "you hurt my feelings and dignity by suggesting something like that" expression. "It's a mature, understanding and assured-of-the-future relationship you're talkin' 'bout with such bitchiness."

"My bad" I said raising my hands in front of me, deciding to 'countermarch'. "You were talking about a Mustang Boss 302, right?"

Finn's eyes literally lit up with childish excitement. "Yeah!" That baby is like my only desire in its category. Forty hundred and forty-four horsepower, zero to sixty in 4.3 second, 32-Valve DOHC V8 engine, five liter aluminum block and heads, MacPherson strut front suspension, 19x9.5 inch wheels, 285/35R Z tires…"

And he went on and on about every little detail and I just stood there nodding and humming in an understanding way when in fact I got lost around the engine-part. Yes, I did know a "little" about cars but always hated precise and exact details.

After two minutes or so, Finn ran out of subject-shit and breath at the same time. "Got what I'm sayin'?"

_In fact I have no fucking idea what you said but you looked really cute. Like a puppy._ That was what I really wanted to say but he looked at me in such an appealing way I had not the heart to destroy his little candy land. "Totally."

"Yo, Sam!" Benny yelled from the other end of the garage. "Mah sister wants to go all girly-chitty-chatty with you so I invited her for tonight, okay?"

"Awesome!" I shouted back and gave him a thumb up which he retuned before going back to the backroom. I started to stir in pure excitement.

Benny's sister and I got to know each other back in kindergarten. On the very first day I saw her sitting on the edge of the sand pit, sat down next to her and said 'from now on you're my best friend'. I didn't even say 'hi' or asked her name just let her know that she has no choice. When I learned that her name was Kenya, I told her it's a stupid name and she shall be called Ricky as the nickname for 'Africa'. She didn't like it at first but since she spoke not and even if she did she was so quiet it sounded like a mouse squeaking, it wasn't at all hard to force it over her. Since then she doesn't even listen to her original name anymore.

In the three years when I lived in Brooklyn, I only saw her a few times because both of us had duties which sadly enough didn't let us cross ways. Seeing as she was my best friend and only girl-friend, I couldn't wait to meet her and see how much she changed.

As I laid there on the couch, listening to Benny, Finn and Joey argue about something like is potato a vegetable or not, suddenly I didn't even care about the cake anymore. I've came home after a long time and it was more then I could ask for.


	2. Chapter 2

When you reach a certain age you start to think about things in earnest – like what happens when you become an adult, will it be different? Will you _feel _different? When you go to college will you finally become a self-assertive, proud and respectable grownup you've always seen when you were little?

Finn gave me the perfect answer to that when I asked around the time I was seventeen what it feels like to be a past-twenty-one-years old, taxpaying mechanic with bills, credits and right to vote.

He said, "We never really grow up, you know. We're simply forced to wear the mask of responsible and unbreakable adults. That's how society works."

I guess it was the shrewdest thought I've ever heard from someone sitting in front ot the TV in Batman-boxers, watching SpongeBob with such concentration and dematerialization I only saw on bonzes in Tibet.

Basically that was the reason I didn't hold high expectations when Finn and I left to the supermarket near the garage at the end of the day. Despite the darkness of the night settling on the city a lot of people were still on the streets hurrying home from work. Traffic jams were all around the roads so we decided to walk instead of driving.

"Guess who's got a ring!" Finn said suddenly as we took a corner.

I frowned but kept my eyes on the pavement, being afraid of falling over. "Frodo?"

"Nope," he laughed, "good call, though. You remember Marcey, Marcey Gallagher?"

"Your ex-girlfriend?" I asked, recalling the image of the brown-haired, blue-eyed girl from the street above ours who was annoying as hell with her high-pitched nasal voice and pretty-pretty speech pattern and movements. She was Finn's first girlfriend ever and whenever the guys wanted to mock him, they brought up her. "She's engaged? There's actually a guy who doesn't feel physical pain when she talks or breaths?"

"Yup, actually he's one miracle of the evolution as well… Ronald."

My eyes grew even wider than before. "You mean Hummingbird Ronald? Well, yeah, he has no statistically measurable chance to suffer brain damage. "

'Hummingbird' Ronald Greenberg, as lot of other entity, was named by the voices he forms which compromised of humming like an old refrigerant and laughing so hysterically he didn't ever gave a sound. His head was a dark place, dark as night. Not that beautiful summer night in the countryside when the stars are shining, crickets are chirping and all that shit but a greasy, foggy winter night in Manhattan when you see nothing but a seething, unnaturally dark whatsit. Well, that was Hummingbird Ronald in nutshell, dark and ugly, still, girls tended to like him back when he was in school with my brother.

"They will overpopulate the world with their giggly alien-issues to whom you can't give a brush-off," said Finn, shivering in fear and disgust. "We went into hiding because they want to invite us to their cheesy wedding. I mean, we weren't friends, in fact we usually beat Ronald!"

We continued our way shaking heads with disbelief.

"Speaking of weddings, is there a chance that I will run into a girl one morning and have to chat with her about weather awkwardly until you wake up?"

A cocky smile appeared on his face. "Well, there's this girl…"

"Really?" I asked in a bit harsher tone than I planned.

"Yeah. We've loved each other for a while; she's kind, smart, good with a bow and dangerously beautiful. But before our love can bud, I'll have to save her from the evil. "

"…Zelda doesn't count, Finn," I said in a monotonous voice.

"Fuck off, you don't count!" he snapped at me jokingly. I burst out into laughing. "What 'bout you? Do we have an ass to kick in place?"

"I have a boyfriend. He's profoundly sweet, looks good, smells good, there's caramel in the middle… Oh, wait. That's a chocolate. I have a chocolate."

Finn pouted his lips in a thinking way then slowly shook his head, carefully avoiding my gaze. "Nah, you don't."

It took me a little while but finally I get the drift. My eyes grew large and my lips formed an 'o' in sudden realization. "You didn't!"

"I'm sorry, I really am!" he said, stepping away a bit. I guess he knew I was just kidding with all the narrowed eyes and angry grimace but still he looked marginally startled. Just like Benny, I was an opportunistic creature as well and we were in front of a Burger King.

"You could buy me a menu. I don't say I'll forgive you but I'll have fries and that's a good starting point," I told him gracefully as if it was his pleasure to buy me fries. Still, he nodded with a bright smile and went forward to open the door for me. Though I had the urge to sit at one of the tables designed to look like 50's cars, I had to settle for a paper crown. Like magic, I felt like a princess. A fuckin' lower-middleclass princess who would gladly swap her Prince Charming for an Audi.

We set out once again, now with tummy's full and a crown on my head, on its rightful place. As soon as we reached the supermarket, our not-so-well-hidden childish nature took over and we did what every child would've done: raced the shopping carts through the aisles. The way I zigzagged, hearing Finn shouting in joy and bypassed local people whose face was somewhat familiar, that strange, irreducible emptiness in my soul what told me that something is missing started to fade.

It was strange up to a point to be around the guys once more after three years of not even talking to each other since I only visited on Christmas, the remaining holidays I spent in NY. Fortunately the others seemed to knowingly facilitate my 'reintegration', for that I was grateful – I think it was strange for them, too, but they were men. You know how they are – loose and unflappable, even if something is bothering them they let it chill. I honestly envied them for being able to act like that.

Long story short, little and fun things like slaloming with a cart took a load off my mind. I felt beaten-up, especially when I was the first to leave the Death Corner (the meat-section) and thus I got to choose the food while Finn went for the hooch. Since I was awful at cooking (and highly doubted that Joey would be happy about cooking for us) I went straight to the frozen food section. I looked at the freezers, my blue irises moving from one box to another till I found what I was searching for and reached in for a pepperoni pizza.

"'Feeds family of four'?" I read the label loudly then smirked in a 'haha, nope' way, tossing it into the cart. "More like feeds _me_."

I was packing a few more pizza and some microwave dinner into the shopping cart when I heard a high-pitched voice which hurt my ears.

"Goodness gracious!" I shut my eyes and counted to ten before turning over. Marcey Gallagher was standing at the other end of the freezers but soon arrived next to me, nearly hitting me with her cart. "Samantha McAllister! You can be seen around?"

"Marcey," I nodded as a welcome, keeping the comfortable distance.

"What are you doing here?" she asked so loud the other people passing by looked at her. I raised an eyebrow at the stupidly obvious question and narrowed my eyes.

"Hunting tigers."

A deafening laugh burst out of her. "There are no tigers in Mount Kisco, silly!"

"Yeah, I know. You're welcome."

Finn literally rolled into my sight standing on the brace low on the shopping cart, until the cart lost its élan and stopped. His joyful grin turned into a horrified grimace as soon as he saw Marcey. Fortunately for him, she didn't saw him, so he took the opportunity to immediately grab the handle and leave in fearsome rush. _Coward_, I thought as he disappeared behind the shelves.

"Why are you wearing this crown?" she asked. Her voice wasn't surprised but more like she was still deciding if it was a new fashion or I am really a Queen.

If you can't say anything clever, say something stupid and confuse your enemy. "Shakespeare added around one thousand and seven hundred words to English language, including 'swagger'."

Marcey blinked rapidly in complete confusion. "What?"

"I'd love to stay but I have to go and do that stuff over there in, you know, some time. Good bye, thou crusty batch of nature!" I sputtered and set off as soon as I finished my first sentence. Marcey opened her mouth to say something (probably in order to get my stay) but eventually she waved me with an absentminded smile, evidently not understanding my Shakespearean insult.

"Call me sometime, I'd like to invite you to my wedding!" she shouted after me_. No goddamn way._

With the lingering effect of the encounter dulling my mind and senses, I started to search for Finn. The cart was easy to find, being parked on the other end of the supermarket next to a bunch of ugly anoraks but Finn was nowhere to be seen. I was about to go another round when the anoraks started to rustle.

"Is she gone?" came the voice.

"Yeah," I nodded with a raised eyebrow. The rustle became harder and soon Finn's head popped out of the covering anoraks. He looked around suspiciously and let out a relieved sigh. "Welcome to Narnia."

A woman with her children passed by us with a reproving look on her face, crowding the two kids. I really didn't understand. A girl with a paper crown and a guy climbing out from under a bunch of jackets is completely normal in my opinion, I mean, it's America!

Hereunder we successfully completed the task laid on us and with two fully packed carts we called Joey to pick us up. When he finally arrived we get up from the curb we were sitting on.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Joey asked as soon as he got out of the Beast.

"A crown," I answered squarely. He took his stand in front of me and looked at my crown with a frown, tossing the toothpick in his mouth from one side to the other. In the end, he shook his head and got on the backside of the truck. Finn started to hand the plastic bags over him. I stood there, looking at my nail polish which was rubbing down. It caught the attention of Joey.

"Munchkin!"

"I'm not a 'munchkin',' I objected immediately and pointed at my BK-crown. "I'm, in fact, a princess."

He seemed kinda uninterested in my answer and straightened his figure. "A what?"

"A princess, my trusty servant."

Joey narrowed his eyes in an 'are you for real?' way and chewed on the toothpick. "How much are you a princess?"

"Like hell! I feel this princess-thingy all the way around," I sang out cheerfully and spun around. I have literally no freaking idea what happened to me because I, like, haven't even been drinking. Usually I wasn't so cheery and girly and sure as fuck never acted like a blathering idiot without at least some alcohol in me but somehow being back home brought this out of me. Not that I minded, honestly, it was cool to be a princess from time to time.

Joey wasn't half as pleased as I was. "Sure. Look, princess, the match ends in an hour, I want to see the endgame, and the bags won't fly to their place so would you move your royal ass and help?"

"No! I'm a fucking princess, can't you see?"

"Have you got touched by the sun? Whatever. I guess you re-routed your mails because your credit card bill arrived." He handed me the envelop which I opened.

"I wanna take a look- goddamn, man!" My eyes widened when I found the grand total. A short heart-attack endangered my relatively short life. I had no idea I spent this much! I gave Joey a sad puppy-eyed look. "Uhm, my trusty servant, I'm afraid I'm not exactly what you would call 'wealthy' at the moment. Would you mind helping me out?"

"Of course I would!" he snapped at me. It wasn't the answer I looked forward to. "It's your fucking bill, not mine. Kiss a frog and make a support-agreement with the prince or somethin'."

"…I hate you. In fact, I never loved you, you bolting-hutch of beastliness," I frowned like a huffy child.

Despite my perverse mood I helped the guys and avoiding the main communication roads thus the traffic jams, we arrived in front of our flat in less then an hour. When I opened the door for the boys (Finn offered his help in form of carrying my part of the plastic bags as well), Boo was sleeping on the couch. I guess he was planning to get off of it but after he measured the strict looks he'd be given if he'd actually get off, confessing the crime and the odds he faced that we won't see him if he stays, he choose the last option. Even when I stood before him and looked at him waiting, he pretended to be a fluffy cushion.

"So what are we going to watch?" Finn asked as he sat down next to Boo energetically, my puppy was even thrown up in the air a bit by the force but he could care less. I mean, he was a cushion.

"Well, I didn't have time in the past year or so to watch movies so possibly anything released in the recent months," I said musingly and after forced Boo to move his furry ass and curl up next to the armrest, I sat down next to Finn. He opened the On Demand-panel of the TV-box and went straight to the 'newest release' menu.

"That one seems good," I pointed at one with girls on the cover photo. Finn chuckled humorlessly.

"We're so _not _watching _Pitch Perfect_." He rolled the page down and stopped at _The Avengers_ then looked at me questioningly.

"_That _I've seen," I rejoiced, looking at the poster of my newest favorite movie. Shame they haven't put Loki on it as well. "What about that one?"

"_21 Jump Street_… Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube, sounds promising," Finn nodded, his lips soundlessly forming the words as he read the short storyline. I suppressed the gargles of laughter caused by the awkward amount of cuteness he produced, especially since his upper lip was oversized compared to the lower one. Realizing that looking at him, my brother's best friend that way was slightly inappropriate (and maybe even dangerous) I tore away my gaze and fixed it upon my brother who was standing at the kitchen counter and read the description of a microwave meal.

"Joey, if you continue to eye that penne with that sexy-frowny look, you better invite it on a date or it'll report you for sexual harassment."

"Shut up, munchkin. You too, bitch," he muttered, pointing warningly at me first than at Finn who was on the edge of laughing. "'Product may contain traces of nut", what the hell does that mean? What does nut have to do with a supposedly Italian food?"

"I found the same warning on an orange juice once," I said standing up and slowly walked toward the fridge to get a coke. "I still don't understand."

"It's easy," replied Finn with a wave of his hand, his eyes still steadily fixed on the screen. "Imagine butterflies picking fruits in Spain and one of them is like 'orange, orange, orange, squirrel, orange… Oh, fuck, a squirrel!' and the other one is like 'don't freak out, kiddo, we'll put a may contain traces of nut warning on it'. See? The logic is there!"

Joey muttered something about killing him but he decided not to argue with him nor did I. Eventually the agreed-meeting time came around and so did the others, Petey arriving first with Benny and Ricky following closely – the later literally fall upon my neck. She was leaning on the door when I opened it and so she fell over, then threw her arms around my neck, nearly choking me.

"Hey, Africa!" I welcomed her with the delight of reuniting in my voice and nearly aglowing smile forming on my lips as I patted her back. When years pass sometimes people change so much you won't recognize them when you meet again – other times they remain the same and a warm, homey feeling takes over you when you're around them. Ricky's perfume flooded my nostrils and her shoulder-length black hair tickled my nose, giving me a heartwarming sensation. The empty feeling in me, which I mentioned before was nearly totally eased in the cloud of vanilla-perfume

"If you're ever gonna disappear like that again, I will kill you and burry you in the garden," she said after a few moments of hugging wordlessly.

"I did not 'disappear'," I refused with a slothful scowl. "I used to be available and happy with a lot of time, then college happened."

"Nitty-gritty: you're here," she said with a smile lighted by the golden gloss of reunion. She held me far enough for her to be able to look at me all over. I didn't get the point – everybody looked at me as if I'd have been gone for decades. In my opinion, I haven't changed a bit.

My hair was the same mid back length and the unruly curls (especially my baby hair) still gave me a somewhat unkempt appearance I've always had. My left eye was still smaller than the right, I still had the scar from the frontal collision with my desk on my neck and I still jabbered a bit. The only thing that changed was the size of my bras – I went from C to D cup in the past three years. I seriously thought that adolescence do not extend further into my life after I leave high school and it frustrated me.

I guess most girls be like 'shut the fuck up, Queen Bitch seeking for attention, what a pain having big boobs could be!', but let me tell you: it _is_ a pain in the ass, and it's in great part due disproportioned growth in my height. With my little more than 5 inch height and whale of a chest I looked like a satiric cartoon figure (though I wasn't wasp-waisted thus did not belonged to the 'small and cute' group). Plus it was tremendously aggravating too, since finding a shirt which fit well was nearly impossible and guys tended to be distracted by my lumps. One could say 'it really brought out their eyes'.

"So, how's college going?" she asked as we moved inwards from the door. I didn't have to show her around, she's always been a saucy bit, calm and quit but saucy so she headed to the kitchen.

"I'd like to skip it and go to the part when I become a millionaire," I rolled my eyes as I followed her and sat on top of the counter, earning a displeased growl from Joey. He never liked much when I did this, stating that it's insalubrious but I found it cozy. I followed Ricky's searching movement with my gaze and raised an eyebrow. "What are you looking for?"

"Coffee."

"They don't drink normal coffee, they drink instant powder. Top shelf, the cupboard on the far right."

"Oh." She didn't need to toe in order to reach the shelf like I'd have had to, and took out a bag of hazelnut instant powder and switched on the water heater. She looked way more relaxed and at home than I, which felt a bit troubling.

Silence brooded over us, Ricky being engrossed in watching the water boil and I having so many things to ask, tell and say I couldn't choose therefore I remained silent. It wasn't awkward – and it was really nice to have someone around who can be silent with me without being awkward.

In the meantime the guys all gathered on the couch and acted like they always did, being scatterbrained and exceedingly obstreperous. At the moment I looked at them Finn pushed Benny off the couch and he responded by jumping back at him. Pete was laughing in the other side of the sofa while Joey shook his head meekly – his smile sold him, though, showing signs of glee like always. The sounds of laughing, cheering and jesting pervaded the apartment, making the silence between Ricky and me even less uneasy.

Ricky was a peaceful type who never rushed things or people and so she let me think through first.

"What's up with Jason?" I asked finally.

"I broke up with him," she said and placed two mugs on the counter.

"God, I hated him!" I answered with a relieved sigh. It wasn't the reaction Ricky waited for judging by the way her jaw dropped and eyebrows knitted in bafflement.

"Why are you _all_ like this?" Her voice was higher then usual and contained a remarkable amount of refusal and childish huff. I raised my eyebrow at the term 'all'. "When I told Benny he let out a cheer, ran out of the house and started to hug random people shouting 'my nephews may not be retarded', then did some stupid dance!"

"In my defense," said Benny who suddenly showed up next to me, making me nearly fall off the counter in affright, "I thought you were happy, I mean, your eyes were shining."

"'Cause I was crying!"

"Those were tears of joy!" Benny snapped back irritated, then he saw Ricky's glare and going about in bodily fear he grabbed a warmed up pizza-slice, my paper crown resting on the counter and rushed back to the guys.

"Look," I started in a calming tone, "I know you're sad…"

"Thanks, I thought you wouldn't understand," she interrupted but I silenced her.

"I do not _understand_, I just _know_." She seemed sort of stunned and stroppy so I explained. "Ricky, let's be honest: on the ladder of the guys you would deserve, he was standing on the lowest step. He was so low on it, even a long-noised monkey stands higher. And I bet it'd smell better!"

"Sam!"

"What? It makes sense, I mean, they live in Borneo which features subtropical climate so at least they are washed by the rain sometimes."

Ricky gave me an impatient look. "Sam, I know you're not good at emotions involving romance nor in the way healing of the heart goes like so I'll help you out: I want you to hug me and say comforting things."

"Oh!" I jumped off the counter, made my way to Ricky and hugged her once again. "You'll find someone better next time. Like, an orangutan."

"Sam!" she laughed, evolving from the embrace.

"Orangutans are the smartest of the apes and they share 97 per cent of their DNA with humans. They recognize themselves in the mirror, and some of them learned such human behavioral traits as drawing, smoking or hunting with spears. I honestly think that they've achieved far more than Jason."

She shook her head in joyful disbelief and stepped towards the counter. She poured the hot water into the mugs and scattered the powder into each, then handed me one of them. "I don't know how I survived here without you."

"I dunno either," I said and stirred the coffee. "I mean, I'm hilarious. Even I miss myself sometimes."

"I love how you have absolutely no doubt in yourself."

"What happened by the way?" I asked, getting back to our original subject. Boo, who was sitting in one of the armchair and tried to fade into the leather, got tired of the rowdy boys (men, whatever) and slowly lumbered towards me. I petted him and gave him a little piece of pizza to which he was basically addicted to.

"Well, he was online all the time…"

"With a girl? Like, doing webcam-sex?" Not that I know anything about it!

Ricky's cheeks turned the color of copper and nearly choked on the coffee she was sipping. "No!" she croaked. Oh, the naiveté! She wasn't prude all the time but I was the free-spoken from the two of us, and I guess the presence of her brother bothered her directness as well. "He was playing some stupid shooting-killing-military-stuff and he was so into it he couldn't speak of anything else but Kirk66 or something. He said he found his soul mate and so I wished him a happy life with Kirk."

"But… He _does_ know that Kirk, by long odds, is a guy?" I asked perplexedly. Ricky shrugged.

"I don't judge."

With coffee in store we strolled to the couch. Pete immediately stood up and went to bring the pizza and the beers while Finn was adjusting something in the TV's menu. I sat down between Joey and Benny, starting a little pillow-fight with the later – during the movie either he or I clouted the other in the head with a cushion until Joey decided he had enough, bashed both of us then threw the cushion to the corner.

While on the subject, the movie was amazing, funny, hilarious and so nonsensical it almost seemed real. I wasn't a big fan of Tatum, he seemed girlishly beautiful to me, but I actually liked his character.

But movie-night were never about movies – no, they were centered on simply drinking, talking about shit and enjoying each other's company. The first beers were drunk during the movie then Finn switched to a music channel, Tobey arrived, and the hardcore drinking started with a few shots of tequila. I choose not to get drunk since I had to start at 10 am next day. It'd have had a highly bad effect on my career if I had showed up with a hangover. Still, I couldn't be completely out of the funny so I got kinda happy-go-lucky.

Have you ever realized how many types of drunkenness exists? Alcohol's effects come in many different shapes. For example, Benny became the erudite of eternal knowledge and he was willing to let his attainments spread.

"You know, Sammy, success may come in unexpected forms," she started, seemingly quite convinced by his enlightenment. I blinked at him in a nonplussed way. Barely five seconds earlier I was talking with Joey about whether the chocolate or candies were better so I didn't count on having a mind lifting conversation.

"It does?"

"Yeah. You remember Hartmann, right?" I nodded. "Well, he wanted to become a doctor, ya know, white cloak, blood and clean-cut behavior will make chicks fall to his charm. He was the darkest crayon in a box full of black ones but still made his dream come true – he does wear a white cloak!"

"Really? He became a doctor?"

"Fuck no. He's working as a butcher."

This conversation lifted my mood and made me a better person. And also summarized Benny.

Pete was another kind of drunk, he became mute. I tried to talk with him about what happened, how's his sister doing (though I didn't really care since I never liked her), but he only responded with nodding or shaking his head. Tobey left early, saying that he has to go to somewhere really early in the next day, and Ricky fell asleep in the armchair, cuddled in a circle form like Boo did so I didn't have a lot of options.

Benny rejoiced me with his theories until Joey sounded the tattoo. Since everyone had at least a little amount of alcohol in them, except for Joey, who seemed pretty much together, he drove them home.

During the night Finn acted like he always did, smiling and joking and laughing, his unique way of drunkenness knocked in when we all parted to go to sleep. It was in August so it was really humid and hot in the apartment since air conditioning only worked in the living room-kitchen area, and so we all left the doors of our bedrooms slightly open so we could sleep without being boiled in heat like crabs.

Finn, on the other hand, didn't want to sleep.

"Do you think chickens have feelings?" He's been asking questions like that for at least half an hour. I guess he was talking to Joey so I remained silent and waited for the things to escalate.

"…I'm going to give you one fucking chance to shut the hell up," came the answer from Joey, his voice sleepy and grumpy, the complete opposite of Finn's cheerful and lively one.

"Maybe one of the wings I ate at KFC the other day was once called Maggie," Finn continued in a brown study, "she used to live on a tidy farm in Alabama and her owner, Grammy Louise loved her."

There were a few moments of silence from Joey's room. I imagined he was trying to cover his ears with his pillow but realized he couldn't keep out Finn's voice since the walls weren't soundproofed.

"No, _she_ wasn't. _It_ was incubated in a brooder then _it_ was caged wit thousands of other chickens, probably couldn't even move because of the genetically manipulated food. After a year, they chopped of its head and so it became part of the moss production on moving conveyer which ruins America."

Silence. "… Life is so sad."

"Yeah."

"Poor Maggie."

"SHUT UP, bitch!"

I had no fucking idea how I lived through without that in my life!


End file.
